Pain

It has been over three months since my miscarriage.  I wasn't very far along.  My faith has helped.   But I still feel like I am mourning.  Every time I find out another friend or family member is expecting the emptiness in my own body feels like it will engulf me.  Five families in our tree will welcome little blessings by the end of the year.  And so many friends.  I am happy for all of them I just don't know how to tell them through my own selfish pain.

I watched many women in my life lose pregnancies or struggle with infertility.  My heart has always ached for them as I watched them push through with faith and grace.  I've always wondered how they managed it knowing that if it were me I would fall apart.  But many in my life still don't even know I was pregnant I appear to be just fine.   It makes me wonder how many of those graceful women were falling apart on the inside too.    

After a healthy baby girl and 18 months later healthy boy/girl twins the ideas of miscarriage or infertility had left my mind.  I was obviously made for baby making and mothering, this was my calling to bear babies and be surrounded by little ones.  So this has taken me completely by surprise. 

I already have three beautiful children which should help, and it does.  I know I am blessed but the pain is still there.  My poor kids just get suffocated with kisses and unexpected tears as if I may suddenly lose them too.